For the purpose of this project, my name is Kthulu Mortius – I am into goth, death metal, metalcore, industrial grindcore, folk metal, and feathers (especially if they come from dead birds). Circumstances have somehow dictated that I will be the one who documents this phenomenon, so here goes…
For about thirteen years I have been deleting e-mails from a sender named “Professor Lumpypants”. I think it started in about Spring of 2001. Even though it never ended up in my spam folder, I was sure it was scam-spam. Like, Nigerian-Prince-trying-to-get-money-out-of-the-country-and-I’ll-give-you-30%-of-it-just-give-me-your-bank-account-number scam. I had read some of the messages and everything mentioned was absurd, and, at best, inconsistent. The send dates didn’t even make sense – some were dated between the 1950s and 2050s, and I think there was even one form the 1890s.
It was fucked, and I was sure it was bullshit. Sure, there were mp3 files attached but I never listened to them, I figured it was just a virus and deleted them. I would maybe get an e-mail at most a couple times a month, so it never became a big deal. Soon, once I saw the sender was the good Professor, it just got trashed.
Then I met Professor Lumpypants. It was one night last year at a bar in St. Louis, at the Casino Queen. I was a little drunk. He sat down next to me, introduced himself as “Professor Lumpypants” and pushed a CD case over to me. I remember getting a cold chill, like my bladder had just let go. I recognized the name instantly. I had never told my friends or family about P.L. (have you told those closest to you about every scam-spam you get?) so I was pretty sure he was not a joke. Plus, as I said, I was a little drunk.
Now, I don’t remember everything that happened that night. He said I had something important I had to do. I know we talked a lot, and we made a deal – he told me some essential things about my future, and some truly essential things about my past (that I didn’t know)…and I agreed to establish Doctor Mocker in a Rootline. We also played craps, and drank some more. At one point, I think we actually even listened to the CD.
Since then, obviously, I have stopped deleting the e-mails. Along with the new stuff, the Professor is slowly sending me some of the old stuff, and I’ll post it up here as I get it. I have agreed to post any of the messages from Doctor Mocker as I get them, which are actually e-mails forwarded from Professor Lumpy…you get the picture.
Oh, and let me please assure you that I am not Doctor Mocker, I am not Professor Lumpypants…I am actually not even one of the AGRStamps, or whatever the hell that is. I am merely a chronicler and archivist of an idea that I find…curious. To be honest, sometimes I like Doctor Mocker’s music, sometimes it annoys me; sometimes it entertains me, and sometimes it gives me a headache.
But I will keep my word. I’ll pay my debt. And I have to ask…why me?